Thursday, February 21, 2008
Help!
I am looking for any and all opinions and advice. Especially from those of you who have BTDT. I officially have to return to work on April 1st. (I may end up going back sooner per lack of $$$) It's time to think about separating from Abby. ........... Up til now we have been together pretty much 24/7. My Mom will keep her at first while we slowly ease her into daycare. She loves my Mom and will be okay. I think I should start leaving her with her for short practice periods....Or is it too soon? April 1st will be here before I know it and I will be working 12 hr days (UGG!!) How long should I leave her the first time????? I know we need to separate but I can't imagine it yet. That said tho, and I will admit that at times I do feel like 2 minutes to my self would be nice. I won't sugar coat it. Being a single Mom is SOOOO hard. It's you, 24/7. No breaks and no body to relieve you. I'm not complaining but it is hard sometimes..... (Please don't flame me for that statement) I love her so much already! She is an incredible little person. So strong and resilient. She has been through so much and I don't want to create anymore stress for her. I truly miss her when she is asleep. If she didn't spend half the night kicking me she would still be in my bed :)Tho she is really sleeping well lately in her own room. No wake ups and does not get up til 7 or 8 am. So...... ADVICE and Suggestions please! Help me make this transition the easiest it can be on my baby. I leave you with these sweet pictures:)
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25 comments:
Sorry I am not a BTDT but can totally feel for you. How can you not be missing that sweet gal when she is sleeping? Just look at that grin! One more thing I have had time to obsess about with this long wait. Dreaded going back to work.... I know there at a lot of great experienced mommas that will give you great infor. I will just gleam from it.
Lisa
Gorgeous jumper! (I think you call it a sweater?!)
When I went back to work, the daycare suggested I start off leaving the kids for 2 hours. Then slowly work into half day then full day. I found with Harry, it wasn't so much how long I left him for, but how regularly I left him. Weird. He was HEAPS better when I put him in for 2-3 days care, rather than one half day per week. Harry lives on routine. I say it depends on the child. Mikayla couldn't have cared less where she was and who she was with!!!
We found it best to take 3 days to start day care. We made a visit one day for a little while, second day she spent half the day and dad picked her up before nap and the 3 day she went until after nap. After that it was a regular schedule. It took 2 weeks until she would go without tears, and each time the amount of time she cried was less and less. I dropped her off and scooted in to the observation room and by the time I got in the room, which is right next store she stopped crying!
Enjoy your time home with her as long as you can. Bring her to your moms when you need a break.
Here is my suggestions...and what I did -that worked great - YES start school - NOW - the first day - I took her at snack time - so we walked in - she sat down and ate (food was a strong thing with K) Then she played and we left.(total time about 30 mins). Day 2 - took her at outside time - again - I let her go play - (she crawled around) and I sorta disapeared for a few mins(I was in the hall) then came back and told her -mama comes back - I always used the SAME words with her everytime I picked her up - DAY3 again at snack time - but told her I had to go to work and would be back - so I took her in - gave her a kiss told her mama will be back in 1 hour and left - (it was the hardest thing) I went to Targe*t - and came back. So basically - each day add a little time - I used the time to get my house in order - take naps myself-etc - buy the week before I returned to work - she was in school fm about 8:45 until 4...
It worked for us - and yes some days there were tears - but a quick goodbye always works better-for you and the child - I see parents who drag it out and it just upsets the child more. Send me an email and I will give you the link to my old site - you can read more if you wish-You can do it - remember you need rest too - we are a one woman show.
Carol in FL
I feel for you single mama! It IS hard and tiring. I am home with Bri all day. So by the time Doug comes home from work - I love my Briana - but I need 5 minutes to myself! Briana doesn't understand "personal space" - LOL!
Good luck with sending her to daycare!
Wow, makes me feel so lucky to be Canadian. I am almost up with my 37 weeks parental leave, I go back April 7th and I am really sad that I won't be spending 24/7 with her.
I will start leaving Naomi at the daycare for 2 mornings the first week, then 2 mornings + 1 full day the next and then 3 mornings+ 1 full day the next then full time. I am waiting until we get back from our vacation to begin but if we wern't going on vacay I would start right away.
Hope that helps!!
Sorry I can't help you...
I haven't BTDT yet...
But one day I will take the advice they are giving you and use it...
Abby's little sweater is ADORABLE..
Just like her sweet little face...
It will be hard.. But she knows that Mommy will be back to get her...
Hope you get some good advice..
HUGS to you girly..
Have a Great Weekend..
Jenny,
I feel your pain. I really, really do. It is hard to do it by yourself all the time and it is hard to leave your baby. When I first started back to work my sister, who was living with us, watched her, then I had the summer off. When she started daycare this fall I started with an hour. She was hysterical. By the end of week one I was trying to leave her through lunch and then by the end of week 2 I let her nap there. By week 3 we started our normal schedule. It was hard, hard, hard for probably 2 months and even now it is hard every now and then. Eliza actually loves school for the most part and it has turned out to be positive. My biggest bit of advice is to not waste your maternity leave worrying about the inevitable (separation). I did that. It will be over before you blink your eyes, but enjoy every moment of it. Abby will eventually adjust no matter how you transition her. You know her best. You will make the right decision.
Tiffany
I love those pictures! Fantastic! When I was getting ready to go back to work, I would only leave Chloe for very small doses at first, and starting early was a huge key! I'd leave her to go shopping, and things like that--just 1 or 2 hours. It was important that she know I was coming back. I never, ever snuck out on her. I always told her I was leaving and told her I would be back. She loves her babysitter, and very rarely is upset to leave me. I have a much harder time with the separation than she does... :)
My blog is invitation only now, BTW...but if you or any other bloggers would like invitations, please email me at kapow1969@yahoo.com.
Absolutely no flaming from me for being honest. Being a mom is hard. Yes, it is amazing and rewarding. So is climbing Mt. Everest, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard!
I would suggest that you gradually leave her for longer periods of time. I know it's hard (and I am a SAHM!), but if you start leaving her for short periods now, she can learn to trust that you WILL be back, that you will always be back. I am not sure how long it will take Abby to trust. It took Jazzie maybe 2 days, but Tahlia still is not 100% there and it has been almost three years. It will be difficult, especially the first time you will leave (be prepared for a lot of guilt and a lot of tears on your part), but it will get easier. I promise....
Looks like you've got lots of good advice here. I know you will find what works best for you and your girl.
Yes, being a single mom is very hard!! I feel guilty saying that because it's what I signed on for and I love Elizabeth so much, I wouldn't trade her for anything. But there is no getting around the fact that yes, it is very hard work!! I agree with the advice you got to start little by little leaving her, and slowly increasing the time. I HATE leaving Elizabeth at Day Care every day, but she has a wonderful provider who I feel comfortable with. That's the key. If you feel good about who you are leaving her with, then Abby will too. I feel for you, it stinks having to go back to work... Anne
Our daughter (from China) stays with a friend of ours that also has a China daughter in her home. We started with just visits (I would stay there too for about an hour each time) about 2 times a week for about 3 weeks. Then I left for an hour or so (ran to grocery nearby) - she cried and cried, but each time it got better. Yes, it's hard, and you are doing great and she will adjust! Of course, she may cry, but little people figure out very quickly how crying gets things done their way! Just see if you can ease her into it with some visits and short separations. Good luck!
Ok, here's my 2 cents worth.
Zoe had been home 6 weeks when we started her in daycare.
I was tempted to just start her off on a half a day and then decided just to throw her in for a full day.
(We have no family here in Canada so it had just been me, DH, DS and her since we had been back.)
So she did her full day and did great.
The next week was 2 days, then the following week 3 days etc till she was on a full week.
You know what, she has no probs there. I had no issues at all.
In fact she loves spending time with the other kids.
Try not to lose sleep over this.
doing an intergration thing like you are doing is the best idea.
OK, now you have me crying. You can start with me anytime. You know I just shape my day around her just like I did with the other two kids and will with baby Josh. Plus you know you can check with me as frequently as you need/want and it won't be like annoying the day care people. Plus, we just might even come have lunch with you!! That is an adorable sweater. xo's for you both. Mom
I know it's hard to go back to work. Think of it as time for you to grow and for Abby to grow. Then you come back together at the end of the day and you both have something to share. From what you blogged about when you were in China the Nannies told you Abby reaches out and helps the others. She cares about her peers and nurtures them. Your giving her that opportunity to do what little Miss Abby does best - give her love. It's not a sad thing. When you two ARE together you will be so ready (and less tired) to give her your undivided attention. Besides, how can you be upset when Meema is right there.
You'll both be ok. Trust me
I know it's hard to go back to work. Think of it as time for you to grow and for Abby to grow. Then you come back together at the end of the day and you both have something to share. From what you blogged about when you were in China the Nannies told you Abby reaches out and helps the others. She cares about her peers and nurtures them. Your giving her that opportunity to do what little Miss Abby does best - give her love. It's not a sad thing. When you two ARE together you will be so ready (and less tired) to give her your undivided attention. Besides, how can you be upset when Meema is right there.
You'll both be ok. Trust me
ok, I don't know what BTDT stands for, I can speak as a mom and former preschool teacher and childcare giver. Practice with small times, 1 to two hours to begin, I like the udea of using consistency with words such as (who said it? Mama's back) or with an object. I have a great book called Fussbusters for Toddlers, it covers evry type of situation, I'll try to copy this session and mail it to you, but some people use a transitional object for both mom and baby! My strongest conviction is to never sneak out, always be direct it makes trust build easier. I have a new client, a seven year old, I think with social anxiety or perhaps some autistic spectrum disorder, a cutie. His mom is a preschool teacher and they have a 14 month old baby sister, Zoe, Zoe was also a spicey girl and came to them at 9 months old. They were thrilled to see abby's picture.
You will do well, be good to yourself, ove "OL" Daisy
I LOVE those pictures...cuteness overload.
It looks like you are getting good advice. Hey, I'll be following in your footsteps, mama. So, I'll be looking to you for the advice.
I took three months off when I had my baby, and when I went back to work I was completely in pieces. My mom watches my children for me, so I felt good about leaving my children with her which helped alot, but that first day is going to pull on your heart, but it does get better, and you come to appreciate every minute at home. Start off slowly maybe before hand to run a few errands. Even if at first she has a hard time, pretty soon she will be shooshing you out the door, or at least my kids do with me.
My mom watches Ava so I left her with mom for a few times in 2 to 3 hour increments before returning to work. If she doesn't already, maybe your mom can start stopping in daily. I know this also helped the transition- Ava was so used to having her around. It's not easy for us) but the babies seem to adjust fairly quickly. Good Luck!
Wish I had advice, but I'm going to be struggling figuring this out next year... and dang those 12 hours I know will kill me, especially since I have no family here. I have no idea what I'll do in terms of daycare, period!
Good luck!
I think if she is going to go with your mom and she is familiar with her she will be okay. I brought Mia to my MIL the first day back to work and didn't work her into it. She didn't cry, but I was the one crying. The first person at work that asked me how it was to be back got an shoulder full. I think it will be harder on you than it will be for her.
My husband works second shift 7 days a week and athough I do have him, it is only until noon. Then I am by myself until 11pm. It is hard to do it all. You will find yourself a schedule once you go back to work and somehow figure it out. A crockpot will be your best friend.
Susan
I hear ya loud and clear. I'm struggling with the same thing here and have decided to go with what the pediatrician (one of the IA experienced docs with CHKD) and daycare folks have recommended.
Week 1 (3/31/08) will be for 3 days only - MWF for 1/2 days. I'll go back to work and start getting back in the swing of things for 4 hours per day.
Week 2 will be for 5 days - 1/2 days only.
Week 3 will be have both her and I into full time status.
It will be okay for both of us and for both Abby and Ava. They're good girls and know Mom loves them and will be back to get them every day for some quality time. And although I'm not a single mom, I can relate to needed some quality adult time. I've read that darned 10 ladybugs book way too many times already. :)
These pictures are the SWEETEST!!! You always ask the best questions. Hope to meet up soon-when we are all healthy and the weather cheers up!
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