Not feeling my best today. Warning pity party post coming up. ...... I know it has been a rough couple of weeks for all of us in Blogger Land. Not a lot of good news this month and not even any potential good rumors out there.
My day today just plain sucked. Today one of my coworkers told me that several of my other coworkers had commented that I have been in a bad mood lately. Then she tells me but don't worry I told them that's just you being pregnant. Maybe she meant well and even went on to say that she felt that my persistent bad mood was out of character for me so she attributed my mood to being pregnant. She wouldn't say who else had told her that I was cranky though only saying only that she told them they should bring their concerns to me. This really hurts cause that means they just really don't understand what I am going through.
Number one - This is not your average pregnancy! Number two - I work in a very busy but stressful Intensive Care Unit. Number three - We have had a lot of sadness on our unit as of late. Both with sad cases and also several of our coworkers have suffered significant tragedy's recently. Add to that the tension that the Holidays can bring plus all of the recent bad news coming out currently for the Adoption Community and I'm sorry but it's hard to keep up a Sunny personality.
My first concern when she said this was for my patients. I have tried very hard not to let my disappointments affect my care. She didn't seem to think that was an issue thank goodness. I Love taking care of my patients and often bring their problems home with me ie- worrying about them ect. This of course just adds to my stress but also comes with my job.
Not sure where I am going with this but I am putting it out there anyway. It hurts that some of my coworkers whom I also consider friends can't understand what I am going through. My one year anniversary has passed and now It's likely to be 6 to 9 months more of waiting. Everyone at work knows I am adopting so I hear multiple times a day the same questions over and over. I know they care and want to know but when the 20th person asks you in a 12 hr period it gets really hard to answer. I truly don't know anything. As you all know it's also really hard to convey the lack of information that we are given to people not on our ride. If I'm cranky obviously I am hurting..... Not to mention That I live this journey 24/7 by my self. Yes this was my choice and yes I have friends and family to talk with about it but it still not the same as having a spouse to share it with. Again I know this was my choice but it doesn't mean that I don't have to admit that I am hurting as I wait.
My sister happened to call me tonight at the perfect time (Thanks Laurie). She likened my situation to hers when she was going through invitro (it worked twice Thank The Good Lord or we would not have Erin and Christopher). She also felt misunderstood and was hurt by well meaning statements or questions.
So if any of my coworkers happen to read this please bear with me. I will try to be happier but I'm struggling. Sometimes this seesaw gets to be a little much. I will not give up though. My Abby is out there and hopefully getting closer everyday......