Monday, December 11, 2006

One of those days.

Not feeling my best today. Warning pity party post coming up. ...... I know it has been a rough couple of weeks for all of us in Blogger Land. Not a lot of good news this month and not even any potential good rumors out there.

My day today just plain sucked. Today one of my coworkers told me that several of my other coworkers had commented that I have been in a bad mood lately. Then she tells me but don't worry I told them that's just you being pregnant. Maybe she meant well and even went on to say that she felt that my persistent bad mood was out of character for me so she attributed my mood to being pregnant. She wouldn't say who else had told her that I was cranky though only saying only that she told them they should bring their concerns to me. This really hurts cause that means they just really don't understand what I am going through.

Number one - This is not your average pregnancy! Number two - I work in a very busy but stressful Intensive Care Unit. Number three - We have had a lot of sadness on our unit as of late. Both with sad cases and also several of our coworkers have suffered significant tragedy's recently. Add to that the tension that the Holidays can bring plus all of the recent bad news coming out currently for the Adoption Community and I'm sorry but it's hard to keep up a Sunny personality.

My first concern when she said this was for my patients. I have tried very hard not to let my disappointments affect my care. She didn't seem to think that was an issue thank goodness. I Love taking care of my patients and often bring their problems home with me ie- worrying about them ect. This of course just adds to my stress but also comes with my job.

Not sure where I am going with this but I am putting it out there anyway. It hurts that some of my coworkers whom I also consider friends can't understand what I am going through. My one year anniversary has passed and now It's likely to be 6 to 9 months more of waiting. Everyone at work knows I am adopting so I hear multiple times a day the same questions over and over. I know they care and want to know but when the 20th person asks you in a 12 hr period it gets really hard to answer. I truly don't know anything. As you all know it's also really hard to convey the lack of information that we are given to people not on our ride. If I'm cranky obviously I am hurting..... Not to mention That I live this journey 24/7 by my self. Yes this was my choice and yes I have friends and family to talk with about it but it still not the same as having a spouse to share it with. Again I know this was my choice but it doesn't mean that I don't have to admit that I am hurting as I wait.

My sister happened to call me tonight at the perfect time (Thanks Laurie). She likened my situation to hers when she was going through invitro (it worked twice Thank The Good Lord or we would not have Erin and Christopher). She also felt misunderstood and was hurt by well meaning statements or questions.

So if any of my coworkers happen to read this please bear with me. I will try to be happier but I'm struggling. Sometimes this seesaw gets to be a little much. I will not give up though. My Abby is out there and hopefully getting closer everyday......


Connie said...

You need my tee shirt:

'Nope. No news yet.
Yes, it IS taking a long time.
Thanks for pointing that out'

Works for me.

Anonymous said...

Dear Jenny ~

We are so sorry you are hurting so deeply for EVERYTHING aching in your heart.

My prayers are with you.

Uncle Terry & Debbie

Krista said...

Some days are hard that's for sure. But rest assured that Abby is on her way. It's just taking her a little longer to get here than originally planned. It's okay to feel crappy sometimes.

And you're never ALONE in this. There are many of us single mommas-to-be are out here feeling the exact same way. If you ever need to chat hit my e-mail button on the blog.

PS I have a special place in my heart for ICU nurses since I spent 16 days of my life there. They helped me pull through. You do very important work and should be proud of yourself!

Sandy said...

Holidays are hard, especially with all the commercialism and pressure to be so joyous, and you shouldn't have to explain your feelings. Some people just don't get it anyway even when you do explain. (((Hugs)))

Kristie said...

Hang in there girl. I know you will make it through this funk and through your whole "pregnancy". I guess some people just don't know what to say...or better how to say what they mean. Take it with a grain of salt, but I know you have the strength to pull out of this. You are STRONG. You are BEAUTIFUL inside and out. You WILL get precious Abby and someday your prince charming will come in on his white horse and you WILL BE COMPLETE!!! Love ya, girl. Hang in there and let us know if there is anything we can do.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there...I know EXACTLY what you are going through. And I want Connie's T Shirt!!!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Jenny,

I can't say I know how you l feel....I will say I wish there is something I could do to make things better for you. You always take very good care of your patients and make them feel special! You always give 100%!.....You are right there has been a lot of adnessin ICU....not only patients but our staff.....take care dear friend! love, Randi

Mom said...

I want Connie's t shirt too. Meema's to be feel the same way. Wish everyone would realize that when you are walking around with a grin from ear to ear that just won't go away, the news is good. Otherwise, don't bring it up. Everyone means well and they ask because they care. And they worry about you because they care. Old Dr. Frank used to make rounds with his hearing aid off. Drove us nuts. Too bad you can't try wearing ear plugs. As your mom, I hate that you hurt and I hate that I can't fix it BUT I carry in my heart a picture of what it will be like when they DO put Abby in your arms. Love you, Mom

Robin said...

Jenny ~ so sorry to hear about "everything" that is going on. As a nurse myself, I know how hard it is when you take your job home with you. Add that to all of this waiting and I can only imagine the weight on your shoulders. Try to keep your chin up... a new year is around the corner and your beautiful Abby will be a part of it! God Bless

Shannon S said...

One of those weeks, really. Thinking of you.

Ann said...

I know exactly how you feel. No matter how hard you try the feelings that you feel sometimes seep out even if you don't realize it. And it's hard for them not to. HOw can they not. Everyday we hope for good news. And as each day comes to a close we are reminded that today was not the day. Give yourself some slack and some grieving time. They'll understand even if not totally. I'm hurting with you.

Anonymous said...

I love you! Waiting and wondering are all a part of everyday life.(Sucky) Adoption, pregnancy, teenage years but I liked your entry that said you were going to focus on you... Do this and hopefully the time will fly...
Love you always,

Barb said...

I know that coworkers can be tough sometimes. They aren't walking in your shoes. They don't realize that they are hurting you by asking questions or commenting on your adoption.
Look at it this way....They are asking questions because they do care about you. Otherwise they wouldn't speak to you at all.
It has been a long time and you have had good days and bad. Your bound to get upset and that is your right. I love you and will always be there for you.
Don't think for one minute that the care you provide has changed. As I have always told you, if I require ICU care I want you as my nurse...You are gentle, loving, and dedicated to a higher standard. You have a very soft heart. Perhaps it is this soft heart that opens you to being more sensitive than others. If that is the case, try and make a conscious effort to let the comments that hurt you, roll off and leave the saddness at work. I agree with Nancy's comment, pay attention to YOU. Focus on Jenny and leave work at work. Negativism breeds and spreads and you have too much going for you to let that in to your world. You are the best nurse, the best friend, and I am sure the best sister and daughter. You are loved by many and that must be your focus not negative comments and saddness.
Love ya, Barb

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